A blog about Luis Suarez biting footballers (again)

June 24, 2014

Luis Suarez appears to be having a dream World Cup - apparently one of those psychedelic trippy dreams where everyone in the village is made out of chocolate, and they don't mind it if you take a bite from their arms. But unfortunately for Suarez - but mostly for Italy's Giorgio Chiellini's shoulder - it's not a dream. I know it's not, because Adrian Chiles was in it, and he wasn't exploding!

 

It was a truly bizarre moment, although it did take everybody's attention away from England's woeful final group game against Costa Rica. Although in fairness, the sound of a tub of a Pringles opening would have been enough to do that. Or even the sound of someone lightly coughing. Or even no sound at all. So Luis basically overstretched himself on that. Although not as much as he overstretched his jaw.

 

Yes, there was no attention on England whatsoever last night. Roy Hodgson would have been absolutely delighted with that, which is incredibly a sentence that has been used far less in the past year than, "Luis Suarez has just bitten another man on a football field." It says something about the national side when England's success stats are easily dwarfed by teeth attacks from Uruguayans!

 

Minutes after his incident, Suarez's bite went viral - although with a tetanus shot, doctors might still be able to save Chiellini's arms. Luis's immediate reaction was to hit the ground holding his mouth. He probably had toothache. Or as his victims calls it, backache. Maybe next time Luis is that hungry on a pitch he will simply stick to light bites, rather than trying to eat a full Italian all at once!

 

Despite the incredible amount of cameras in the stadium, the best shot of the bite was blurry and inconclusive, putting Suarez's so-called attack in the realms in the Loch Ness Monster. A terrifying beast that is somehow still revered all across the world. And the other lives in a lake in Scotland. Although if FIFA clamp down, we might see Nessie on a football field before we next see Luis.

 

Suarez was immediately compared to legendary Silence Of The Lambs villain Dr Hannibal Lecter, which seems unfair. After all, Hannibal was a qualified doctor, and Suarez is clearly nowhere near that bright. Lecter was a psychologist, whose job it was to study people and work out what they were thinking. Although in Chiellini's case, that wouldn't be that hard, as he was probably thinking, "Ouch!"

 

But if you really want to compare Suarez to a film baddie, I'd go for Batman's Bane, because with Bane's voice and Suarez's actions, I can't for the life of me understand either one of them. In fact, the only difference between him and Bane is that after watching Suarez, most people would say, "I wish he'd wear a mask over his mouth! I'm going to write on the internet about why that's a good thing!"

 

Sources tell me Liverpool are apparently furious at Suarez's latest bout of madness after all the support they've given him in the past. Now they're going to take a firm line with Luis and are only prepared to give him, like, maybe six or seven more chances to redeem his character. But after THAT... they'll probably only give him three more chances, before he asks for a transfer. Again.

 

The ball is now firmly in FIFA's court, who will have to make a big decision based on the facts available. And if there's one group of people who are capable of making rational decisions based solely on facts and nothing else, then it's the men who are giving us the World Cup in Qatar. Luis Suarez is so universally disliked right now there's every chance FIFA will just make him President!

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