It's been an horrific World Cup if you're English! Instead of crashing out in the quarter finals, England crashed out two games earlier. Still, I guess it's the most efficient thing this team has done with a football in years! Now the only way an England player will get their hands anywhere near the trophy is when someone photoshops John Terry holding it five seconds after the final ends.
England's chances were ended after they were beaten by Uruguay. Schoolboys had been using that country's name to taunt each other for years by sounding it out slowly. "Eng-er-land!" Kids can be so cruel! Joe Hart was almost in tears at the final whistle. Well, if he does insist on using all that shampoo, he’s bound to get some of it in his eyes.
Naturally Luis Suarez was the villain after England's defeat. Before the game, Roy Hodgson said they could handle Suarez, but he bit off more than he could chew - a criticism that could never be levelled at Suarez! After the game ended, Suarez threw himself on the floor and wept, but he quickly got to his feet again when he realised the ref wasn't watching.
That result came after defeat to Italy! Mario Balotelli scored the winning goal, meaning England were outwitted by a man who managed to set fire to his bathroom by letting off fireworks. Most normal people just light a match after a huge shit. Balotelli famously racked up loads of parking tickets while playing for Man City, but he simply took them as complements after he read the words, “Parking fine!”
Despite not making it past the groups, the FA has supported Roy and are confident he can still do a job. Not necessarily the England job, but maybe he can push shopping trolleys or something. It's unfair to blame Roy, though. After all, he is the most accomplished owl since Hedwig in the Harry Potter series, and he hardly ever defecates on the floor when delivering his messages.
Roy says the youngsters in the squad will have learnt a lot from this World Cup. Mostly defeat and disappointment, so that'll put them right on track for a long England career. Gerrard and Lampard may never play again for England, meaning we'll never have an answer to their age-old question. For me, it's easy. So long as the question is, 'Who has the most monotone voice?' It's a draw!
Wayne Rooney says he wants England to be more dishonest, which is an incredible declaration coming from a man who once slept with an elderly prostitute. You have to wonder just how much more dishonest he can get. So I guess by the next World Cup, Wayne will have shaved off his hair transplant and turned to jumpsuits, stroking white cats and aiming his death ray at James Bond.
After England were confirmed to be out, the players all looked shell shocked and wore the kind of distraught, miserable faces that are usually reserved for when they open a Sunday tabloid and find out that WhatsApp isn't a secret messaging service. In fairness, they were supposedly in The Group Of Death, a handy nickname that I'll now use to remember this very England squad.
But it's not just the players who have come in for criticism, so have the pundits. Phil Neville has been blasted for being boring and unoriginal, hardly surprising coming from the same family who named his father Neville Neville. I'm really not sure where Phil has learnt to spout so much rubbish. After all, he spent last season at Manchester United sat next David Moy... ah, I see!
It must be gutting for Phil, seeing as his brother Gary was not only a better footballer, but is now better at talking about football as well. That doesn't leave Phil with many bragging rights beyond "knowing Gary Neville". Although I'll say this for him, in the constantly looking like he's trying to remember whether he left his porch light on back home stakes, no one does it better!
Meanwhile over on ITV, ex-United skipper Roy Keane decided not to make the trip to Brazil. Hostile, occasionally dangerous and football fans were advised to keep their distance, but apparently ITV still tried to employ him regardless. I'm really not sure why Roy comes across so angry on television. After all, all he has to do is sit on a sofa next to Adrian Chil... ah, I see!
In his place we had Andy Townsend, who takes a 'say what you see' approach to punditry like he's appearing on Catchphrase. Incidentally, Andy's photo once appeared as a clue on Catchphrase, and contestants were encouraged to 'say what they saw'. Sadly, their furious expletive-ridden slurs weren't fit to broadcast on a family show, but still they all got a point for getting the right answer!
England will now return from Brazil later this week, and it's hard to know what kind of reception they will get when they finally land on home soil. But I suspect it'll be like the kind of reception following a wedding when the groom called the bride by her sister's name at the alter. Nobody will really want to talk to them, but they will make a point of it in order to call them a dick!
Simon Ward (@simonjward)