Eurovision Drinking Contest

May 10, 2014

Sir Terry Wogan knew the only way to get through the Eurovision Song Contest was to drink. So I have devised a drinking game to get through Saturday. I mean, if it’s good enough for Sir Terry…

 

The Rules

1. Unless stated otherwise, all the below events deserve one sip.

2. Each drinker picks a country to support (not the UK) and must drink double if any of the below occurs during their chosen country’s performance.

3. Toilet breaks will not commence during songs or results.

 

Presenters

The presenters try (and massively fail) to be 'internationally funny'

The presenters actually attempt to sing. Yes, really

The presenters act like they've basically just met each other for the first time

The presenters creepily gaze into each other’s eyes like nobody's watching

The female presenter changes her dress

The male presenter makes some terribly un-PC comment about her dress change

The male presenter changes his outfit     finish half your drink

The presenters have really awkward “improvised banter” to fill ad break slots that feels like someone has dropped an elephant on your head - only much more painful

 

Performances – general points

Song has a tacky or nonsensical title (e.g. Facebook, Uh, Oh, Oh)

Politically related metaphor (e.g. shedding black S&M cloak to reveal white M&S pantsuit)

Song is an ode to world peace (FINALLY!)     finish your drink

Lyrics are literally demonstrated in the dancing. Unfortunately...

Use of props (e.g. candles, ribbons, giant mobile phones, grannies knitting)

Use of pyrotechnics or lasers     finish your drink if they go wrong

Interaction with the audience     finish half your drink if they high-five

France sings in English     finish your drink

Singer isn’t actually from the country they’re representing

Any time the song goes up a key like an X Factor finalist

 

Appearance of performers

Retro/out-of-date clothing and hairstyles

Utterly offensive bad dress-sense     finish half your drink

“Experimental” make-up is used

Revealing or figure-hugging costumes     finish half your drink

Overt displays of cleavage

There is leather involved somewhere in the costumes

Hat(s)     if horned finish your drink

Codpiece(s)     if horned, finish everybody's drinks

Sunglasses

Moustache(s)     if female with moustache finish your drink

Main singer is grossly overweight. Like, seriously overweight

Mid performance (and not needed) costume change

 

Singers, back-up vocalists

Sings in a language other than their native tongue, English or French

Performs through the horror of rap     finish half your drink

Creepily winks at camera

Drops to their knees in the sheer emotion of Eurovision

Punches the air in the sheer emoti...

Makes a victory/peace ‘V’ sign

Emits high and loud obnoxious noises like they've lost a testicle

Plays or mimes along with musicians like an idiot during instrumentals

Waves their arms above their heads whilst singing

Puts excessive emotion into the singing

Sings painfully out of tune

Flirts with the camera after finishing

 

Dancers and musicians

Dancers appear, by their movements, to be hearing the song for the first time

Plays an ‘local’ instrument (includes panpipes)

Plays piano while standing

‘Local’ dancing

Hip-hop style dancing     finish half your drink

Dancing that distracts from the performance

Dancing that surpasses belief and total credibility

Pretend fighting     finish your drink

Contortionist     finish half your drink

 

Judging

Bad time delay during video link

Presenter overlaps with voter during audio link because of the bad delay

Regional presenter witters on trying to secure their 15 seconds of fame

Graham Norton’s predictions come true     one sip each

Graham Norton is genuinely surprised by a vote     finish half your drink

Bad acts receive high (8+) points due to attractiveness of lead singer

Graham Norton makes a snide comment about regional voting

Norway gives points to Sweden but Sweden does not give any to Norway

Norway does not give Sweden any points at all     finish your drink

Cyprus gives Greece 12 points or vice versa

Monaco gives France 12 points

France does not give United Kingdom any points

Germany gives any points at all to Austria     finish half your drink

Greece gives any points at all to Turkey     finish half your drink

United Kingdom gives Ireland 12 points or vice versa

United Kingdom comes second or last

Acts are on their mobile phone to their family during voting

 

PLEASE DRINK RESPONSIBLY: DRINK AWARE!

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