- Simon Ward
Eurovision Drinking Contest
Sir Terry Wogan knew the only way to get through the Eurovision Song Contest was to drink. So I have devised a drinking game to get through Saturday. I mean, if it’s good enough for Sir Terry…
The Rules
1. Unless stated otherwise, all the below events deserve one sip.
2. Each drinker picks a country to support (not the UK) and must drink double if any of the below occurs during their chosen country’s performance.
3. Toilet breaks will not commence during songs or results.
Presenters
The presenters try (and massively fail) to be 'internationally funny'
The presenters actually attempt to sing. Yes, really
The presenters act like they've basically just met each other for the first time
The presenters creepily gaze into each other’s eyes like nobody's watching
The female presenter changes her dress
The male presenter makes some terribly un-PC comment about her dress change
The male presenter changes his outfit finish half your drink
The presenters have really awkward “improvised banter” to fill ad break slots that feels like someone has dropped an elephant on your head - only much more painful
Performances – general points
Song has a tacky or nonsensical title (e.g. Facebook, Uh, Oh, Oh)
Politically related metaphor (e.g. shedding black S&M cloak to reveal white M&S pantsuit)
Song is an ode to world peace (FINALLY!) finish your drink
Lyrics are literally demonstrated in the dancing. Unfortunately...
Use of props (e.g. candles, ribbons, giant mobile phones, grannies knitting)
Use of pyrotechnics or lasers finish your drink if they go wrong
Interaction with the audience finish half your drink if they high-five
France sings in English finish your drink
Singer isn’t actually from the country they’re representing
Any time the song goes up a key like an X Factor finalist
Appearance of performers
Retro/out-of-date clothing and hairstyles
Utterly offensive bad dress-sense finish half your drink
“Experimental” make-up is used
Revealing or figure-hugging costumes finish half your drink
Overt displays of cleavage
There is leather involved somewhere in the costumes
Hat(s) if horned finish your drink
Codpiece(s) if horned, finish everybody's drinks
Sunglasses
Moustache(s) if female with moustache finish your drink
Main singer is grossly overweight. Like, seriously overweight
Mid performance (and not needed) costume change
Singers, back-up vocalists
Sings in a language other than their native tongue, English or French
Performs through the horror of rap finish half your drink
Creepily winks at camera
Drops to their knees in the sheer emotion of Eurovision
Punches the air in the sheer emoti...
Makes a victory/peace ‘V’ sign
Emits high and loud obnoxious noises like they've lost a testicle
Plays or mimes along with musicians like an idiot during instrumentals
Waves their arms above their heads whilst singing
Puts excessive emotion into the singing
Sings painfully out of tune
Flirts with the camera after finishing
Dancers and musicians
Dancers appear, by their movements, to be hearing the song for the first time
Plays an ‘local’ instrument (includes panpipes)
Plays piano while standing
‘Local’ dancing
Hip-hop style dancing finish half your drink
Dancing that distracts from the performance
Dancing that surpasses belief and total credibility
Pretend fighting finish your drink
Contortionist finish half your drink
Judging
Bad time delay during video link
Presenter overlaps with voter during audio link because of the bad delay
Regional presenter witters on trying to secure their 15 seconds of fame
Graham Norton’s predictions come true one sip each
Graham Norton is genuinely surprised by a vote finish half your drink
Bad acts receive high (8+) points due to attractiveness of lead singer
Graham Norton makes a snide comment about regional voting
Norway gives points to Sweden but Sweden does not give any to Norway
Norway does not give Sweden any points at all finish your drink
Cyprus gives Greece 12 points or vice versa
Monaco gives France 12 points
France does not give United Kingdom any points
Germany gives any points at all to Austria finish half your drink
Greece gives any points at all to Turkey finish half your drink
United Kingdom gives Ireland 12 points or vice versa
United Kingdom comes second or last
Acts are on their mobile phone to their family during voting
PLEASE DRINK RESPONSIBLY: DRINK AWARE!

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